Disjointed Wavelengths

Winner!!

2007-05-25T00:50:00.000+01:00

It took me forever, but the Law of Averages eventually dictated that I had to win one of the several auctions I bid on, on ebay. My continued efforts were rewarded with a brand new Macbook Pro, at a reasonable price (about 28% below RRP). It was not what I had in mind when I originally started shopping around for a laptop, all those eons ago. However, the fact that you can run Windows on Intel-based Macs was probably the selling point that sealed the deal. I haven't looked back since.

I was a bit apprehensive about entering the strange world of Apple Mac, though. I've always been a fan of Apple's innovative designs; it's just Mac users, in general, that have made me feel edgy. I've always been wary of being associated with them, much less becoming one of them. My geeky young bro is the perfect example. It's been a while now since he purchased a Mac and became converted/brain-washed/transformed/assimilated/indoctrinated (take your pick). I fully appreciate that Macs are great, well designed machines, but Mac users never recommend them to you. They preach!! God's blessings be with the brave man who dares to make a critical comment about a Mac machine. They'd probably stone him to death given the opportunity. My bro hits an almost evangelical tone everytime we ever discuss any aspect of Apple or their products. It's actually quite scary. That could be me in a few months folks!! Well it's a possibility, but it's not likely. I am probably the least brand-loyal consumer on the planet.

In other news, I actually have a back log of posts to publish. I just have to find the time to transfer them from paper to hard-drive. Where's a pretty secretary when you need one?? In the meantime, I'll start typing my posts myself. Slowly but surely..............

The Re-emergence

2007-04-24T23:45:00.000+01:00

Thank you! Thank you very much! It's great to be back. My apologies for my recent, very low profile. To say that I've been busy would be too huge an understatement. However, following some "light" pressure (ie. a boot up the ass), I have returned to the spotlight. The show must go on!!

DRAMA has been the theme for 2007 so far. I'm still licking my wounds and counting the bodies. Hopefully, this month(April) marks the beginning of a peaceful reign for the rest of the year. There have been some positive highlights in amongst all the strife, which included a trip across the Atlantic to the East coast and a very memorable birthday dinner. I finally saw my beloved Knicks at Madison Square Garden, after many previous failed attempts. It was a pleasure to see them defeat the defending NBA champs. Unfortunately, D.Wade decided to dislocate his shoulder days before the match, meaning that I did not get to see the "Flash" live in action. But I happily settled for the win. I returned from the US a week before my birthday, with no definitive celebration plans. So at the last minute, I sent out a mass email inviting 30 friends to dinner on my birthday at one of my favourite restaurants. I did not expect a big turn out though, as organising dinner for just 10 friends was usually a logistical nightmare involving months of planning, babysitters, transport arrangements, dietary considerations, financial proposals and the alignment of 5 planets with the moon. Therefore I was understandably shocked, amazed and delighted when 25 of the 30 invitees RSVP'ed almost immediately. It turned out to be a reunion as much as a birthday celebration, as I had not seen some of the guests for over a year. It was great to catch up. Definitely my most enjoyable birthday over the past decade.

My birthday also marked a conclusion to much of the ongoing drama, which I was thankful for. It made me poignantly reflect on the last year of my life. Even though only one year had passed, I felt like I had aged several years mentally. Any small traces of childhood innocence that I had in me seemed to have varnished for good, which is sad. "Facing the Music" is probably the most pertinent title for my 26th year of life on this earth. There have been a lot of painful lessons (all my lessons always seem to be painful, but that's another topic for another post), so I decided to make a list of my most notable realizations over the past 12months:

There is no escaping the past, no matter where you run to, or which corner of the earth you try to hide in.

It is kindness to immediately refuse what you intend to deny.

Not all burning bridges can be saved.

Male role-models are more important to a young boy's upbringing than we will ever give them credit for.

I don't have to be perfect. I no longer need to pretend that I am. I will be loved in spite of my many flaws.

Jill Scott's 2nd album (Beautifully Human:Words and Sounds, Vol. 1) is a huge step forward from her 1st album (Who is Jill Scott?). I'd always preferred her 1st album until recently. Her 2nd album is just much more emotionally mature than the 1st. Maybe I just wasn't grown-up enough to fully appreciate it before now.

Not being completely upfront and forthcoming can be just as dangerous as telling a bare-faced lie.

No matter how much I try to deny it, I am more like my Dad than I ever wanted to be or cared to believe. Considering how little input he has had on my life, the similarities are scary. However life holds a different path for me. His destiny shall not be mine!

I will never understand women. For some reason, I felt that I could succeed where all men before me had failed. I felt like I was on the cusp of major enlightenment, but now I realise that I was never even close. Like the rest of the male species, my ignorance was only darkened by my failure to accept that it will never dissipate.

Love, far from being benign and sweet, is, in fact, the closest many of us will get to experiencing mental illness.

Thanks for the boot, Randomly Sane. I'll hang on to it and return it to you at a time when you need it most.

Flashback!!

2007-01-23T23:02:00.000+01:00

Sat besides me on the beach,
Perfection just within arm's reach.
Hands lightly resting on your thighs,
I lean towards you and close my eyes.
The last thing I see are luscious lips
Moving closer to seal kiss.
The few seconds before we meet
Seems like an eternity.
As we start the passion flows,
And once it starts it goes and goes.
When we part I cannot resist
Pulling you back for one more moment of bliss.

Ah memories! I wrote this short poem years ago, to a previous GF. I've never really been the sentimental type, but there was something about that evening that keeps it fresh in my mind, as if it happened yesterday. For most blokes, our most poignant memeories regarding the opposite sex tend to revolve around sexual experiences. In this case, however, I guess it's the exception that proves the rule.

So this was our first meeting since the first 'official' kiss. We were at a reggae bar, on a beach, in the Caribbean, just after sunset. We smiled, we drank, we joked, we laughed, we tapped our feet to the beat and then we kissed again. We kissed for what seemed like forever, but somehow wasn't long enough. We paused for breath. We smiled. Then I pulled her towards me again. This time when our lips met, I was actually able to digest some of the sensory overload flooding my system. Like the fruit flavoured lip gloss she was wearing, the way her skin felt silky smooth as I ran my fingertips along the curve of her back, the way her hair tickled my face in the gentle evening sea breeze, and the way my feet seemed to bury themselves in the sand like the roots of a palm tree(I couldn't move even if my life depended on it).

There's nothing like the fresh passion that flows from a budding romance. I miss those days!

LOSER!!

2006-12-07T02:07:00.000+01:00

So I'm here at work again. Still no laptop (for you slow ones out there)! I got outbid by some sucka who paid the RRP (that's Regular Retail Price for those out of the loop) for the damn laptop. What's the bloody point!?!!?!?! You could have gone and ordered it from any high street retailer you silly twat. The whole purpose of eBay is to net yourself a bargain. Why take on the extra risk of purchasing from a complete stranger if there is no financial savings to be made? Anyway, moving swiftly on......!

All the other things I wanted to comment on have been completely blown out of the way by an unexpected conversation I had less than 48hrs ago.

PROLOGUE:
Earlier this year I was introduced to a friend of a friend who lived in London. We hit it off instantly, so every time I passed through London I made an effort to visit. We eventually started dating, but soon realized that a full blown relationship would not be possible at that point in time due to location issues and very hectic and inflexible schedules. We still met as often as we could and enjoyed each other's company. Whilst we weren't in an "official relationship", we both agreed to a certain level of exclusivity and honesty surrounding the topic.

By the end of summer, my work load had doubled, then I shot off to Mexico for a couple of weeks, and then upon my return, I commenced a very rigid program that killed off my social life in one flail swoop. So we only managed to meet on 3 occasions over a 13week period. Phone conversation were also becoming scarce due to our differing timetables (she worked days, I worked nights).

Less than 2weeks ago, we met and had a 'heart-2-heart' about the way things were panning out. She confessed that she really missed us spending time together and more frequent phone conversations. I confessed that as much as I missed those too, the program I had commenced was very important to me, and therefore circumstances were not likely to change in the immediate future. However, I knew things would not remain that way forever, so I tried to remain positive.

THE CONVERSATION:
She started with: "There's something I need to get off my chest." Which was fine! I was glad that she was comfortable enough to share whatever was weighing heavily on her mind. "I've been seeing someone else." That hurt, but I simply dismissed the feeling as a dented ego. For some weird reason, I was surprised but not shocked. I was cool, as I still didn't see the knock-out blow coming. "I'm pregnant!"

"1, 2, 3, 4, ...........! This fight is over ladies and gentlemen!"

Cue mild heart attack! My pulse quadrupled instantly! My heart felt like it was about to burst out of my chest. Despite the fact that it had been months since our last sexual encounter and we were always sensible and used protection, panic stations were already in full operation. But before full cardiac arrest was able to set in, the logic chip kicked in. "Who's the father?" seemed a bit too callous and 'Jerry Springer-ish', so I opted for the less obtrusive "How far gone are you?"

"The doctor estimates 4-5weeks."

RELIEF! Not just any relief. I'm talking about the kind of relief you get when your bladder is bursting and you're just about to wet yourself, but you make it to the toilet in a nick of time. The kind of relief that pulsates all over your body on an almost orgasmic level. The kind of relief that makes you sing praises, even if you aren't particularly religious. The kind of relief that you only experience if you've been to the edge and back.

EPILOGUE:
As my adrenaline levels started to subside, the pain began to set in. This was more than just a dented ego. This was genuine hurt. I thought I'd be angry, but I wasn't. I tried to focus all blame on her, but I couldn't. Somehow, I felt a responsibility for what had happened, even though this really was the last manner I could have ever imagined the scenario panning out. Was I right to remain focused on my personal goals, and put everything else behind them? Would these events have taken place whether I made the sacrifice or not? The only certainty being that if I had made the sacrifice, the pain now would be ten times worse.

Allow me to re-introduce myself..............

2006-11-25T06:13:00.000+01:00

Back again! Precisely 2months since my last entry. My desk-top died on me 24hrs after my last blog-post and I have yet to find to time or inclination to repair the heap of junk. I did however find the time to bid on a brand spanking new lap-top on eBay. Auction ends in 37hrs. Wish me luck!

So what happened in between? EVERYTHING!!!!!! From trips across the Atlantic, to reunion with old flames, to ending up on crutches, to boredom at work, to receiving large cheques in the post, to weight gain, to gaining new insights, to possibly falling in love. I'd love to expand on all this, but my boss is looking at me suspiciously, so I guess I'd better "ALT & TAB" and complete this update in a new post on my new lap-top.

Can't wait...........................

Live by the Orgasm! Die by the Orgasm!!

2006-09-25T01:47:00.000+01:00

Once upon a time, I dated a girl who claimed she'd never experienced an orgasm before(this was not from lack of trying either). However, being the cool persona that I am, I took it all in my stride. Whilst I readily admit I was no maestro of the bedroom, I had a fair idea of my strengths(and weaknesses) and still confident that I would succeed where others before me had fallen short.

Before we got to the point of physical intimacy, she confessed that with her previous lover, the 'Big O' had become such an issue, that during sex she felt under intense pressure, and could never really relax. So with that in mind, I never broached the subject to her again. Of course I couldn't let the issue go so easily, but as usual, I was 'ice cold'.

As time passed and our relationship progressed, we'd often talk about our sexual likes and dislikes(after all, communication is the key). In the beginning, things were absolutely marvelous. I was a man on a mission. Foreplay was my middle name! We enjoyed several romps in all sorts of crazy locations. However, though I came close on a few occasions, I was never able to get to the finish line. After a while this started to bug me. As hard as I tried to ignore it, the elusive 'Big O' was starting to become a big issue to me. Of course I never told her! To tell her would be to admit defeat. I didn't want to be like the 'others'. Every man likes to feel he's special! That didn't change the fact that I was beginning to feel frustrated.

To a man, sex without an orgasm is about as worthwhile as a plane with no wings. If you can't fly, then what's the point?!?!?! Orgasms define a man' manhood not just by his ability to 'sow his seed', but also by his ability to please his female partner. He feels that by keeping his female partner satisfied, she is more likely to remain loyal. Loyalty is something that ALL men crave(whether they are willing to admit it or not)! Though many women have forever proclaimed that sex can be just as enjoyable and fulfilling without an orgasm, for most men, this is very difficult(if not damn impossible) to compute.

In my case, though she always told me that our sex-life was great and she had never felt so comfortable with her sexuality, it just wasn't enough. I could not let it rest. "It must be ignorance.". I reasoned(it's funny how hindsight reveals such great irony). "She only says it's fulfilling because she is yet to experience what the 'Big O' has to offer.". As my frustration grew, my ego started to implode. "How could she possibly appreciate my Herculean effort to please her?". Without the 'Big O', I felt like all my endeavors were in vain. I eventually cracked! I gave up the hunt. Foreplay slowly went out the window. Romp sessions got progressively shorter and more routine. Around that point, other chinks in our relationship were suddenly revealing themselves. In hindsight, I often wonder which precipitated the other, but I'll probably have greater success solving the 'chicken&egg debate' than figuring this out anytime soon.

So in the process of learning that I'm not as special as I thought I was (nothing like a piece of humble pie to brighten up your day), I did snippets of research into the science of the 'Big O'. What did I find out?? The female orgasm is as complex and mysterious to scientists as most women generally are to men (Hey presto! Didn't need a multi-million dollar grant to figure that out). More recently, Prof. Gert Holstege did some research in Copenhagen involving brains scans of men and women during an orgasm. The results seem to indicate that whilst the male orgasm is strongly linked to his level of physical stimulation, the female orgasm shows stronger links to her state of mind (like that's supposed to make me feel better. Once again scientists prove what we already know).

Anyways, this unusually long rant was triggered by a recent conversation with a date, who commented that as much as she enjoyed sex, she'd only ever experienced an orgasm on 3 separate occasions (I sure do pick them!). However, despite all the alarm bells and residual flashbacks, in the unlikely case that we ever progress as far as the bedroom, at least there's something to build on. And to be fair, that date was probably no worse than another date who boasted that her ex-BF made her cum 14 times in one session! Seems like a case of 'pick your poison'.....................

Interesting Article from the Sunday Observer!

2006-09-23T03:33:00.000+01:00

A fascinating peek in to the world of blogging:
Just Popping Out - got to see a woman about a blog

Why am I disenchanted with Religion??

2006-09-22T04:47:00.000+01:00

Before all my previous comments were eradicated, there was one particular comment which I particularly wanted to respond to:

"Re religion: what religions did you try and how did they disenchant you? I
think you have to be born into a religion to find it even remotely worthwhile.
From a non-religious perspective, all religions are absurd. Come to think of it,
that goes for therapists too...Cheers,Tiger"

I was actually raised as a Christian. My Mom's side of the family were Seventh Day Adventist. My Dad's side of the family were mainly Pentecostal. However, I usually ended up going to church on a Saturday. My experience with Christianity is similar to many folks I've met, who grew up in a Christian household. As a child, I simply had a blind belief. I was told that Christianity was right, and everybody was wrong. Those who believed, would make it to the promised land. Those who didn't believe would burn in hell forever! It wasn't till my latter teenage years that I started to question my beliefs, as did a lot of my peers whom I grew up with in the church. We all strayed from church at some point or another. Many eventually returned, but for others, like myself, that faith was never re-discovered.

So what happened to me? How did I miss the bus back? (Probably cause I was moving on black time, that's another matter entirely) The question that always burned in the back of my mind, was:

"If I was born into an Hindu family, for example, and raised in Hinduism with the
same blind faith that I had in Christianity, would my soul burn in hell forever,
merely because my gene pool placed me in the wrong religion?"

So I tried to imagine myself as an adult without a religious background, but who was interested in finding a spiritual faith. Where do you start? Christianity alone has over 26,000 denominations. With each religion claiming to be "The ONE", how do you choose? Bearing in mind that the wrong choice will ultimately lead to your eternal doom (obviously). I've questioned almost every religious person I know about their belief, and noticed that they tend to fall into 3 catergories:

They were raised in their particular faith and have held on to it blindly from the beginning, never straying from the pack.
They hold many doubts and questions about their faith, however they stick to the pack. For some it's been part of there culture and way of life for so long, they are happy to carry on regardless of their doubts. Some fear the retribution they may face from family and friends. Others appear to be waiting for some form of divine intervention that will answer their questions and solidify their faith.
They claim to have had a divine experience which proved to them, beyond all doubt, that their faith was not misguided.

I must admit, I've been part of the second group for years. Despite all my skepticism regarding the faith, I've always loved the social aspect of church. I love the way it unites people, creating an extended family. But that doesn't change the fact that I have several questions about Christianity that no-one in the church as been prepared to address(at least not to me). For example:

In today's modern society, with people marrying much later in life, on average, than before, is it still a realistic objective for the church to advocate celibacy before marriage?
Where does the line between culture and faith lie, and who decides where it lies? (For example, a couple of centuries ago pipe-organs were deemed to be instruments of the devil. Now you'll find a pipe-organ in a large proportion of churches)
And what about those darn dinosaurs?? (Not that I'm a fan of Darwinians, however, at least they attempt to explain it, as opposed to sweeping it aside)

So where does that leave me? I am yet to witness my divine experience and I don't feel compelled to wait around for it. The more research I do, the more I keep asking myself:

"Was man made in God's image? Or was God made in man's image?"

The latter seems to hold more weighting with me at the moment, which would make me some form of atheist, by philosophical standards. However I refuse to believe that humans are the most advanced form of life in this universe. I always liken the human race to an ant colony in a forest. To an ant, that forest is its universe. There are things outside that universe that that ant will never comprehend (try explaining to an ant how the mechanics of the solar system affect the weather in the forest). And in much the same way, there are many things that happen in our universe, that we as humans will simply never comprehend.

Does this mean that I'm doomed? Who knows!?!? Time will tell. I still pray every so often (usually when I'm caught between a rock and a hard place). And every now and then I witness a co-incidence that would seem to indicate a greater force at work. Maybe I've had my divine experience and I just don't know it yet...........

Small Confession!!

2006-09-22T04:42:00.000+01:00

My farts hospitalise little children!!

That's just great......

2006-09-22T01:51:00.000+01:00

So I've just installed this "brilliant" piece of software on my blog. Wonderful isn't it!?!?!? Apart from the fact that I've now lost all the previous comments posted so far. T & C's! They're such a bitch. I'm glad I decided to do this now, and not months down the line. But that's life for you!

Lesson for today:

ALWAYS READ THE SMALL PRINT! IF YOU CAN'T FIND ANY, YOU OBVIOUSLY DIDN'T LOOK HARD ENOUGH.

2006-09-22T01:38:00.000+01:00

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

Why Blog??

2006-09-14T01:23:00.000+01:00

Too disenchanted with religion! Can't afford a therapist! Read one too many self-help books! When a young, MTV generation 20something year old searching for a path/purpose in life seeks a method to assemble the jumbles of thoughts, emotions and opinions that wander through his mind, what does he do? He blogs!!

Writing personal diaries is just soooo 'last millenium'. Why write for yourself, when you can air your laundry to the world? Besides, they say writing is never really for the author. It's all the about the readers. Exactly who "they" are is about as plain as quantum physics.

Blogging can lead down any of two possible paths:

You realise that you're not as alone as you thought you were. There are others out-there who experience similar disjointed wavelengths as yourself.
As weird and unique as your thought patterns are, there's someone out there whose thoughts are even odder, darker, creepier, and/or more 'special' than your own.

Seems like a win-win situation, huh? What possible catch could there be? Time will tell all I guess. Because if there's one thing in life I'm certain of, it's that there's ALWAYS a catch!

Nothing is free in this free world!!!

The Trial Run

2006-09-11T02:19:00.000+01:00

Mic test! 1,2! 1,2! Ladies and gentlemen, please be seated! The show is about to begin!