LOSER!!

So I'm here at work again. Still no laptop (for you slow ones out there)! I got outbid by some sucka who paid the RRP (that's Regular Retail Price for those out of the loop) for the damn laptop. What's the bloody point!?!!?!?! You could have gone and ordered it from any high street retailer you silly twat. The whole purpose of eBay is to net yourself a bargain. Why take on the extra risk of purchasing from a complete stranger if there is no financial savings to be made? Anyway, moving swiftly on......!

All the other things I wanted to comment on have been completely blown out of the way by an unexpected conversation I had less than 48hrs ago.

PROLOGUE:
Earlier this year I was introduced to a friend of a friend who lived in London. We hit it off instantly, so every time I passed through London I made an effort to visit. We eventually started dating, but soon realized that a full blown relationship would not be possible at that point in time due to location issues and very hectic and inflexible schedules. We still met as often as we could and enjoyed each other's company. Whilst we weren't in an "official relationship", we both agreed to a certain level of exclusivity and honesty surrounding the topic.

By the end of summer, my work load had doubled, then I shot off to Mexico for a couple of weeks, and then upon my return, I commenced a very rigid program that killed off my social life in one flail swoop. So we only managed to meet on 3 occasions over a 13week period. Phone conversation were also becoming scarce due to our differing timetables (she worked days, I worked nights).

Less than 2weeks ago, we met and had a 'heart-2-heart' about the way things were panning out. She confessed that she really missed us spending time together and more frequent phone conversations. I confessed that as much as I missed those too, the program I had commenced was very important to me, and therefore circumstances were not likely to change in the immediate future. However, I knew things would not remain that way forever, so I tried to remain positive.

THE CONVERSATION:
She started with: "There's something I need to get off my chest." Which was fine! I was glad that she was comfortable enough to share whatever was weighing heavily on her mind. "I've been seeing someone else." That hurt, but I simply dismissed the feeling as a dented ego. For some weird reason, I was surprised but not shocked. I was cool, as I still didn't see the knock-out blow coming. "I'm pregnant!"

"1, 2, 3, 4, ...........! This fight is over ladies and gentlemen!"

Cue mild heart attack! My pulse quadrupled instantly! My heart felt like it was about to burst out of my chest. Despite the fact that it had been months since our last sexual encounter and we were always sensible and used protection, panic stations were already in full operation. But before full cardiac arrest was able to set in, the logic chip kicked in. "Who's the father?" seemed a bit too callous and 'Jerry Springer-ish', so I opted for the less obtrusive "How far gone are you?"

"The doctor estimates 4-5weeks."

RELIEF! Not just any relief. I'm talking about the kind of relief you get when your bladder is bursting and you're just about to wet yourself, but you make it to the toilet in a nick of time. The kind of relief that pulsates all over your body on an almost orgasmic level. The kind of relief that makes you sing praises, even if you aren't particularly religious. The kind of relief that you only experience if you've been to the edge and back.

EPILOGUE:
As my adrenaline levels started to subside, the pain began to set in. This was more than just a dented ego. This was genuine hurt. I thought I'd be angry, but I wasn't. I tried to focus all blame on her, but I couldn't. Somehow, I felt a responsibility for what had happened, even though this really was the last manner I could have ever imagined the scenario panning out. Was I right to remain focused on my personal goals, and put everything else behind them? Would these events have taken place whether I made the sacrifice or not? The only certainty being that if I had made the sacrifice, the pain now would be ten times worse.